Happy Saturday from Arby’s happy hour sliders and curly fries!

February 17, 2018

This post might have a little to do with Arby’s happy hour from 2-5 EVERY DAY where you can get sliders for a buck! 

If you haven’t had sliders from Arby’s yet A, I’m a little disappointed because I thought I knew you but B, get off your butt and go try some when they’re just a buck. They added a jalapeño slider which is nice for those of us who like to spice it up. 

Ok, I’m off to go get another 6-pack of phone chargers. Keep it fake. 

So here’s the deal with flying 🇺🇸 flags at half mast..

Friday, February 16, 2018

We may as well fly flags at half mast every damn day because every damn day another senseless tragedy happens. And if nothing terrible happened today it’s likely something terrible happened on this day in the past. “What, you’re flying your flag at full mast when that those 22 U.S. exchange students drove off a cliff in Ghana 23 years ago today?!? Have you no soul?!?”

I predict the last day we’ll ever see a flag flying at full mast will be July 2nd of the year where a terrible tragedy happens on July 3rd  and forces the nation to fly flags at half mast on July 4th, the ONE day of th year when America is supposed to proudly fly its flag the highest. 

I say we fly the flag at FULL mast every day regardless of the events of the past with the understanding that we ALL sympathize and are compassionate towards any and all who have died in the past for no good reason and in no way does the high flying flag DISrespect those people but in every way it shows how resilient we are as a nation and how we celebrate life! 🇺🇸 🇺🇸 🇺🇸 🇺🇸 🇺🇸 🇺🇸 🇺🇸 🇺🇸 

Happy Thursday from my Members Only jacket?

February 15, 2018

This post is not gonna have much to do with my Members Only jacket that doesn’t have the logo on the outside pocket like you remember or I wouldn’t wear it. 

Hey, here’s some news. I have a cold. It’s news because I rarely get sick. This is a particularly lame one. I’m just a little congested and feel like I’m almost over it already and it just came on yesterday. I ate a couple big oranges 🍊 🍊 and they kicked its ass I guess. Good job, oranges!

So are you gonna quit your job tomorrow? I don’t blame ya, Friday’s are good days to burn some bridges. They’re gonna miss you at your old job but they’ll live. Congrats on your new career! Good luck!

Happy Wednesday + Valentine’s Day + HUMP Day all rolled into one!

February 14, 2018

This post is not gonna have much to do with Pornhub giving out free content (#bandwidthtest) but God Bless em right?!? 👍🙌😛 

This post WILL have to do with something I’ve believed for a LONG time which is that sex is good for your health. It’s an undeniable fact but here’s the part that’s interesting. Women (not men) are MORE attuned to this. 

The prevailing opinion that all men think about is sex is not completely untrue but look at the cover of any issue of Cosmopolitan magazine and you’ll find WAY more teasers about sex than you will your standard issue of Maxim. Maxim’s have a sexy chica on the cover but so do Cosmos. It would lead one to believe the only thing WOMEN ever think about is sex. 

The difference between us is that women enjoy the mental game whereas men are more physical which is why women are more attracted to the men willing to play the games but let’s not get too psychological. 

The part of the whole men and women sexual thing where God used to get most of her laughs was men peaking in their teens and women in their 30’s, but NOW she has even MORE to chuckle about because these days more men in their 20’s and 30’s seem to be concerning themselves with other aspects of life while women are still just as obsessed with sex and relationships as they’ve ever been. 

The bottom line is that differences between the sexes are always gonna be evolving and interesting and cheers to that! ✌️❤️😘

Tacky Tuesday from random Chuck and Uncle Ted selfies

February 13, 2018

This post is not gonna have much to do with the dogs who rarely leave me unaccompanied on the couch. 

Hey it’s Fat Tuesday! I forgot already. Plus I’m not NEARLY as fat as I should or could be so I’m embarrassed by my relatively in shape body. 😬

Remember that one Fat Tuesday when Jennifer saw you at the creole festival in Ballion Park? And you were like “hide me, quick!” And I was like “from what?!?” And you were like “Not what, who!!! Jennifer!!” So I tried my best to hide you but Jennifer  still saw you and ran over and threw her Cajun pasta all over you? LOL! That was classic! 

Let’s do Ballion Park again next year, fucker! Sweet!

Happy Monday from this fool trying to luge in street clothes

February 12th, 2018

This post is not gonna have much to do with Bitmoji Nick forgetting to change into more appropriate luge attire before sliding down and finishing in last place by a large margin. 🙄🤷‍♂️

Yesterday I posted twice and both had the wrong date on them. Doh! Thanks for not pointing out I’m not perfect. Because I wouldn’t believe you anyway. 😜

I had this great idea of a post where the pic would be me stuffing my face ahead of Fat Tuesday to make sure I was as fat as I could be tomorrow. But I guess it’s too late now. Oh well. Remind me to do it next year. 

Have a great Mardi Gras, Penelope!

Happy Sunday from my Aldi receipt

February 11, 2018

This post is not gonna have much to do with my Aldi receipt except to say I love it when the total comes to an even dollar amount. 

If you’re wondering what kind of cookies  I got they’re oatmeal raisin. Duh. 

Today is Bruno’s birthday! Happy Birthday, nephew! I have zero memory of when I turned 10 but I’m sure it was a good day because mom and dad always made our birthdays special. 

When it’s YOUR birthday I’ll give you an oatmeal cookie! Nice!

Happy Friday from the Coopster

February 9, 2018

This post is not gonna have much to do with the Coopster but what a great dog! His actual name is Cooper btw but it’s impossible for me to call any dog by its actual name. Idk why that is but it has something to do with that character on SNL that used to say “makin copieeees... Steeeeve... the Stevesterrrr...”

Speaking of SNL, that’s ANOTHER thing I love about you. Your love of comedy. What kinda life are these people having that are all serious all the time. Not much of one, I’ll tell you that. 

Did you know that psychiatrists prescribe “comedy” to help some of their patients. That’s a GREAT prescription and it’s free! That’s also why I’m NOT a psychiatrist because that’s ALL I’d ever prescribe. Drug companies would hate me. Lol. 

The only side effect I can think of to laughing is if you’re doing it too hard while you’re eating you might choke so just make sure you have a friend on hand to give you a heimlich if you bust a gut at dinner. 

Did you know the Heimlich maneuver is NOT named after somebody named Heimlich? That’s a lie. But Henry Heimlich didn’t intend for the maneuver to be named after him. It was just easier to say than “hurry, apply subdiaphragmatic pressure!” “Do what?!?” “Never mind, he’s dead.”


See ya tomorrow!

Happy Thursday from my hot butt!

February 8, 2018

This post is not gonna have a helluva a lot to do with my toasty rear end except to say that this is the FIRST time I can remember using a seat warmer in a car and of course it’s awesome! My ass is on fire!🔥 

You’re like “But how? Why? Why are your hind quarters hotter than July?!?”

Well, it’s because I got lucky at Avis yesterday. They always upgrade me because I’m a regular customer but not usually into a “Premium” class vehicle. But that was all they had yesterday so I got to drive a Lincoln MKX. It’s an extremely nice ride. I can see why Matthew McConaughey is so full of Matthew McConaughey when he drives Lincoln’s. (Btw, if you haven’t seen SNL’s Lincoln commercial spoofs you should google em 😂 😆)

One day I’ll buy you a Lincoln because you read my silly blog and because you love Matthew McConaughey so much. But not the MKX because that’s for soccer moms and you’re WAY cooler than any soccer mom. I’ll get you the MKZ Hybrid because it’s totally cool like you and it’s environmentally conscience like me. It’s a win/win!

Now go back to watching your Matthew McConaughey movie and I’ll work on procuring your sweet new ride. 🙌✌️