MySQL function to separate out first and last name from a column of full names

I wrote a pretty nice MySQL function to separate out first and last names if you just have a column of full names. Figured I'd share:

SELECT SUBSTRING_INDEX( customer_name, ' ', 1 ) AS FirstName, if( SUBSTRING_INDEX( customer_name, ' ', -1 ) LIKE "%jr%", SUBSTRING_INDEX( customer_name, ' ', -2 ) , if( SUBSTRING_INDEX( trim( customer_name ) , ' ', -1 ) = SUBSTRING_INDEX( trim( customer_name ) , ' ', 1 ) , '', SUBSTRING_INDEX( trim( customer_name ) , ' ', -1 ) ) ) AS LastName
FROM `customer`

How Sweet Baby Rays saved roast beef for me

I'm not much for roast beef. Dad loves it, though, so I was forced to eat a lot of roast beef when I was a kid or go hungry.Β 

When I got old enough to make my own decisions, I would respectfully decline dinner invitations if roast beef was on the menu.Β 

But then along came Sweet Baby Rays BBQ sauce and NOW all I have to do is drown the roast beef in SBR and transform it from bland (imo) to delicious! πŸ˜‹Β 

Here ends my commercial for Sweet Baby Rays that will earn me 0 dollars.Β 

Thanks for reading and have a great rest of 2017! Go, Cowboys! 🀠 

Conversations with strippers

Pamela: "I like to gamble and drink beer."

Nick: "I like to play poker, drink beer and watch Winnie the Pooh!"

Pamela: "I LOVE Winnie the Pooh! I played Eeyore at Disneyland one summer!"

Nick: "lol, No way! Do your best Eeyore right now!"

Pamela (as Eeyore): "Well, I guess I coulda done somethin better with my life than become a stripper."


Remember that pretty blonde I met last Friday night? The one to which I delivered the cheesy pick-up line?

Well, I put my stalker hat on the next day and Googled and found out who she was. I thought "hey maybe there was a connection there, maybe she likes me, she DID ask me to hang with her when I could have bolted with the fam" so I followed her on a couple of her social media pages which isn't creepy at all.

Short story shorter, today I woke up to find she blocked me on Twitter. lol. So there's your answer to that.

My "men's intuition" was completely off on that one. Again.

But always one to take a positive away from a negative, I learned that I still enjoy going out and having a good time with fun chicks and I should probably put myself out there more often. Who knows, maybe the next girl will stalk ME on Twitter. (I won't block her, I'll just politely let her know that I'd rather she follow right behind me IN REAL LIFE at all times. ha.)

Have a GREAT Monday!

The pick up line

I have zero "game" when it comes to picking up women but that fact doesn't really deter me from being great if a situation presents itself like it did last night.

I was sitting at a random bar on Bardstown road in Louisville, Kentucky when this crazy beautiful blonde sat next to me. Immediately I assumed she was a prostitute so I minded my own business but she was desperate to talk and get drunk so at some point it was impossible to ignore her.

Once we got to talking for a minute I fell in love with her which is probably a character flaw but who cares. I don't know what the conversation was about or where it was going but at some point I said "I didn't know I'd be sitting next to the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life."

Even while the words were coming out of my mouth I was thinking "you are NOT actually going to say this to this person" even if you're half sincere about it.

Melissa (which I believe is her REAL name) reacted as she should have by almost leaving. Who could blame her after hearing the cheesiest line she's maybe ever heard in her life delivered by some old Texan she just met who just had a shot of Don Julio tequila and who could be her father.

Strange as it may seem, though, she stuck around.

I don't know if Melissa will ever read this story but if she does I'd like her to know that as cheesy as that line was I'm even cheesier when I'm NOT drunk and I'm also a VERY accomplished stalker (her middle name is Marie) so you better get a restraining order FAST!


(sometimes I write stuff just to amuse myself)

What I'm taking out of my Louisville bar experience from last night is that this is a nice, fun town with nice, fun people and I LOVE that the bars stay open until 4 am and thank the LORD Dallas bars DO NOT stay open until 4 am.

Thank you to the 3 people who will read this. I love y'all!

Happy May!

I don't blog much but it's midnight and too early to really start my Monday so I figured I'd just tell you a story.Β 

Once upon a time there was a duck Β πŸ¦†. By the way, during the course of this story I'll use all of the suggested emojis whenever my iPhone πŸ“± shows one. It'll make the story more fun. Idk 😐 if they'll show up in the blog post or not but I guess we'll see πŸ‘€.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the duck πŸ¦† I've decided to change the beginning of this story.Β 

Once upon a time there was a long race 🏁.

It was so long that nobody actually ever finished. But people really loved the race 🏁. People watched with great πŸ‘ interest every day.Β 

One ☝️ day General Felt fell. It was feared he may have to withdraw from the race 🏁 but luckily his fall was broken some by Mr. Delicious πŸ˜‹ so he was able to continue. Also General Felt and Mr. Delicious πŸ˜‹ are gay.Β 

Over time the race 🏁 began to become less intense than a fondue party πŸŽ‰. So people started to become disinterested. Even Mr. Delicious πŸ˜‹ wasn't interested in the race 🏁 and he was IN it.Β 

After Mr. Delicious πŸ˜‹ withdrew from the race 🏁 he started a game show called "What Are You?" Β It was a gigantic hit. He was so happy 😁 his game show made it big he bought a Lexus for his boyfriend Trey.Β 

Trey met Mr. Delicious πŸ˜‹ while he was on holiday in Venice. Mr. Delicious πŸ˜‹ ran off a bridge and Trey jumped in the icy ❄️ water and saved him. Another woman also jumped in the icy ❄️ water but she died.Β 

The train πŸš‚ left later that day for Holland. Malcolm didn't understand anything about what had happened with Jill but he knew that if she wanted her purse πŸ‘› she would have to follow him. Just before he boarded the train πŸš‚ with Jill's purse πŸ‘› a monkey πŸ’ attacked him. Malcolm tried to hang onto the purse πŸ‘› during the attack but the monkey πŸ’ was too fast. He snatched the purse πŸ‘› and was on top of the train πŸš‚ making nasty 😷 signs and monkey πŸ’ noises at Malcolm before you could say "peppermint."

Malcolm and Jill helplessly watched the monkey πŸ’ disappear into the distance. Jill didnt know what to do without her purse πŸ‘› so she began to make monkey πŸ’ gestures and noises. Malcolm didn't know what to do either so he broke out his fiddle and played The Devil Went Down To Georgia πŸ‡¬πŸ‡ͺ.

The next day Malcolm was a contestant on "What Are You?" Β Nobody could guess that Malcolm was a fiddler purse πŸ‘› theif so he won. He used the prize money πŸ’° to buy Jill a new purse πŸ‘› with 26 packs of gum inside. Jill was so happy 😁 she shit herself.Β 

The End.Β 

Lemme tell ya a story about chicken.

For lunch last Wednesday I had leftover chicken. It wasn't bad.Β 

Later that same evening a woman who is known as Killer Kim (a cool, beautiful friend of my brother-in-law Jason) delivered a wonderful chicken parmigiana dinner from Maggiano's. Yum! Β (but that's chicken for lunch and dinner now..)

The next day Thursday was Slim Chickens #JayFayDay so for lunch I had a chicken sandwich. It was delicious!Β 

That Thursday night it was still #JayFayDay so I went back to Slim Chickens and had hot wings. They were awesome!


Phew! That's a LOT of chicken in a 48-hours span.Β 

The next day my business partner wanted to go to lunch and I was like "anything but chicken."Β 

Using Valentine's Day to handle your woman during March Madness

March Madness is imminent. It can stress a relationship. Here's how you can use Valentine's Day to keep your girl from leaving you because, in her words, "obviously college basketball is more important than me!"

First of all, it TOTALLY depends on what kinda woman you have..

Type A: A girl that's into March Madness and is as excited as YOU are to watch the tournament.

Congratulations! You don't need to do much on Valentine's Day for this type of girl because she's all like "what a dumb holiday, don't get me flowers, how lame." But what you DO have to do with this type of girl is at least fain some interest in the teams she's rooting for during March Madness. If you don't do at least that, you're in for a hard time. This type of girl will go as far as denying you sex for rooting against her teams. That's the last thing you want so just acquiesce and continue to enjoy a healthy sex life.

Type B: A girl that could care less about March Madness.

You need to spoil the FUCK outta this type of girl on Valentine's Day. Flowers, chocolates.. Ask a gay dude what he would do to make it the most romantic Valentine's Day for his man. His worst 20 ideas will be better than anything you could come up with. Choose one, do it, and then MAYBE she won't be a bitch when you're completely ignoring her during the tournament. If she starts squawking when you're trying to watch a game you can just be like "Did you NOT have a wonderful Valentine's Day?" She won't be able to deny it.

Type C: A girl that understands your sports obsession but just kinda likes to root for the underdogs.

This girl is closer to the type B girl than type A in that she doesn't really "get it." However, she totally LOVES you so it doesn't bother her that you're so into March Madness. She even enjoys watching some of the games with you because she just loves seeing you so passionate about something. You don't need to spoil her as hard as you would a type B girl on Valentine's but you need to do something. Flowers and/or chocolate is okay but her priority is quality time with you so take her out, make her feel special. Be creative and do something a little different than the normal "date night." This should be more than enough to not have to worry about her leaving your dumb ass.

At the end of the day, be thankful that you have ANY type of girl because you don't deserve her. But you already know that. :-D