Frozen Margarita trick to avoid brain freeze

I prefer my margs on the rocks but if you’re forced into frozen ones like Taco Cabana makes u do when you just want a quick cheap buzz on a Saturday night, I figured out a way you can beat the inevitable “brain freeze”. 

It’s not the easiest thing to do in the world and especially if you have sensitive teeth, but what you do is just hold the frozen beverage in your mouth for as long as you can stand it before swallowing. This technique effectively warms it up enough to do the trick. 

Btw, you can’t beat the $3 happy hour margs at Taco Cabana EVERY day from 3-7. 

Stay thirsty mis amigos!

MySQL function to separate out first and last name from a column of full names

I wrote a pretty nice MySQL function to separate out first and last names if you just have a column of full names. Figured I'd share:

SELECT SUBSTRING_INDEX( customer_name, ' ', 1 ) AS FirstName, if( SUBSTRING_INDEX( customer_name, ' ', -1 ) LIKE "%jr%", SUBSTRING_INDEX( customer_name, ' ', -2 ) , if( SUBSTRING_INDEX( trim( customer_name ) , ' ', -1 ) = SUBSTRING_INDEX( trim( customer_name ) , ' ', 1 ) , '', SUBSTRING_INDEX( trim( customer_name ) , ' ', -1 ) ) ) AS LastName
FROM `customer`

How Sweet Baby Rays saved roast beef for me

I'm not much for roast beef. Dad loves it, though, so I was forced to eat a lot of roast beef when I was a kid or go hungry. 

When I got old enough to make my own decisions, I would respectfully decline dinner invitations if roast beef was on the menu. 

But then along came Sweet Baby Rays BBQ sauce and NOW all I have to do is drown the roast beef in SBR and transform it from bland (imo) to delicious! 😋 

Here ends my commercial for Sweet Baby Rays that will earn me 0 dollars. 

Thanks for reading and have a great rest of 2017! Go, Cowboys! 🤠 

Conversations with strippers

Pamela: "I like to gamble and drink beer."

Nick: "I like to play poker, drink beer and watch Winnie the Pooh!"

Pamela: "I LOVE Winnie the Pooh! I played Eeyore at Disneyland one summer!"

Nick: "lol, No way! Do your best Eeyore right now!"

Pamela (as Eeyore): "Well, I guess I coulda done somethin better with my life than become a stripper."

#RelationshipFail

Remember that pretty blonde I met last Friday night? The one to which I delivered the cheesy pick-up line?

Well, I put my stalker hat on the next day and Googled and found out who she was. I thought "hey maybe there was a connection there, maybe she likes me, she DID ask me to hang with her when I could have bolted with the fam" so I followed her on a couple of her social media pages which isn't creepy at all.

Short story shorter, today I woke up to find she blocked me on Twitter. lol. So there's your answer to that.

My "men's intuition" was completely off on that one. Again.

But always one to take a positive away from a negative, I learned that I still enjoy going out and having a good time with fun chicks and I should probably put myself out there more often. Who knows, maybe the next girl will stalk ME on Twitter. (I won't block her, I'll just politely let her know that I'd rather she follow right behind me IN REAL LIFE at all times. ha.)

Have a GREAT Monday!

The pick up line

I have zero "game" when it comes to picking up women but that fact doesn't really deter me from being great if a situation presents itself like it did last night.

I was sitting at a random bar on Bardstown road in Louisville, Kentucky when this crazy beautiful blonde sat next to me. Immediately I assumed she was a prostitute so I minded my own business but she was desperate to talk and get drunk so at some point it was impossible to ignore her.

Once we got to talking for a minute I fell in love with her which is probably a character flaw but who cares. I don't know what the conversation was about or where it was going but at some point I said "I didn't know I'd be sitting next to the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life."

Even while the words were coming out of my mouth I was thinking "you are NOT actually going to say this to this person" even if you're half sincere about it.

Melissa (which I believe is her REAL name) reacted as she should have by almost leaving. Who could blame her after hearing the cheesiest line she's maybe ever heard in her life delivered by some old Texan she just met who just had a shot of Don Julio tequila and who could be her father.

Strange as it may seem, though, she stuck around.

I don't know if Melissa will ever read this story but if she does I'd like her to know that as cheesy as that line was I'm even cheesier when I'm NOT drunk and I'm also a VERY accomplished stalker (her middle name is Marie) so you better get a restraining order FAST!

:-D

(sometimes I write stuff just to amuse myself)

What I'm taking out of my Louisville bar experience from last night is that this is a nice, fun town with nice, fun people and I LOVE that the bars stay open until 4 am and thank the LORD Dallas bars DO NOT stay open until 4 am.

Thank you to the 3 people who will read this. I love y'all!

Happy May!

I don't blog much but it's midnight and too early to really start my Monday so I figured I'd just tell you a story. 

Once upon a time there was a duck  🦆. By the way, during the course of this story I'll use all of the suggested emojis whenever my iPhone 📱 shows one. It'll make the story more fun. Idk 😐 if they'll show up in the blog post or not but I guess we'll see 👀.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the duck 🦆 I've decided to change the beginning of this story. 

Once upon a time there was a long race 🏁.

It was so long that nobody actually ever finished. But people really loved the race 🏁. People watched with great 👍 interest every day. 

One ☝️ day General Felt fell. It was feared he may have to withdraw from the race 🏁 but luckily his fall was broken some by Mr. Delicious 😋 so he was able to continue. Also General Felt and Mr. Delicious 😋 are gay. 

Over time the race 🏁 began to become less intense than a fondue party 🎉. So people started to become disinterested. Even Mr. Delicious 😋 wasn't interested in the race 🏁 and he was IN it. 

After Mr. Delicious 😋 withdrew from the race 🏁 he started a game show called "What Are You?"  It was a gigantic hit. He was so happy 😁 his game show made it big he bought a Lexus for his boyfriend Trey. 

Trey met Mr. Delicious 😋 while he was on holiday in Venice. Mr. Delicious 😋 ran off a bridge and Trey jumped in the icy ❄️ water and saved him. Another woman also jumped in the icy ❄️ water but she died. 

The train 🚂 left later that day for Holland. Malcolm didn't understand anything about what had happened with Jill but he knew that if she wanted her purse 👛 she would have to follow him. Just before he boarded the train 🚂 with Jill's purse 👛 a monkey 🐒 attacked him. Malcolm tried to hang onto the purse 👛 during the attack but the monkey 🐒 was too fast. He snatched the purse 👛 and was on top of the train 🚂 making nasty 😷 signs and monkey 🐒 noises at Malcolm before you could say "peppermint."

Malcolm and Jill helplessly watched the monkey 🐒 disappear into the distance. Jill didnt know what to do without her purse 👛 so she began to make monkey 🐒 gestures and noises. Malcolm didn't know what to do either so he broke out his fiddle and played The Devil Went Down To Georgia 🇬🇪.

The next day Malcolm was a contestant on "What Are You?"  Nobody could guess that Malcolm was a fiddler purse 👛 theif so he won. He used the prize money 💰 to buy Jill a new purse 👛 with 26 packs of gum inside. Jill was so happy 😁 she shit herself. 

The End. 

Lemme tell ya a story about chicken.

For lunch last Wednesday I had leftover chicken. It wasn't bad. 

Later that same evening a woman who is known as Killer Kim (a cool, beautiful friend of my brother-in-law Jason) delivered a wonderful chicken parmigiana dinner from Maggiano's. Yum!  (but that's chicken for lunch and dinner now..)

The next day Thursday was Slim Chickens #JayFayDay so for lunch I had a chicken sandwich. It was delicious! 

That Thursday night it was still #JayFayDay so I went back to Slim Chickens and had hot wings. They were awesome!

But. 

Phew! That's a LOT of chicken in a 48-hours span. 

The next day my business partner wanted to go to lunch and I was like "anything but chicken."